See kids as sunset
Let's dive into a pattern I see in dads:
We don't know what it means to be a dad.
What's "Dad" after all? How can we become the kind of dad we want to be?
By the end of this, you’re going to learn 3 things:
- Embrace your kid(s)
- They are perfect already
- Don't force them to become someone else
Before we begin, here's a short version of my story:
- My wife and I had our daughter in 2020. Life was great.
- Our boy was born in 2022. My wife and I moved to London with our two kids later that year. I thought life was still great despite the uncertainty.
- I soon found myself struggling with the new identity as a dad, a foreign place, a new job, and my wife, who wasn't used to being a full-time mom.
- I tried to work harder, and hard work didn't seem to be the answer.
- We decided to move back to Hong Kong in the summer of 2024. In hindsight, it was tough but we gained all the time in the world to bond with our kids during their first few years of life.
What's Dad?
No one really taught us how to be a dad. It makes sense that we need a lot of time to figure things out. That's why I started What's Dad. This is a place for you to reflect, learn, and get better.
So, lesson 1 - See kids as sunset.
Now, think of the most memorable sunset you have ever seen in your life.
The changing, magical colors in the sky. The sun was setting. The smell in the air was so fresh. The vibes around you were perfect. You were in that moment. You couldn't change any part of that, yet, you wouldn't need to. This is just the way it is. Even if you could, you wouldn't change anything.
Why couldn't we see our kids as sunset?
We think we know more than our kids. We make decisions for them.
The schools. The courses. The summer camps.
We want to shape them so they can be the best version of themselves. We are rational. But the problem here is that we forget how randomness plays a larger role in life.
Randomness rules
Here’s the thing: we need to be honest with ourselves and recognize that those factors we have no control over are the main driving forces determining our kids' future.
The friends they have in school. The teachers. An unforeseen pandemic. Some unexpected health issues. An accident.
All the things that can happen in between that we have no control over at all do matter.
We can do all sorts of things we want with our kids today. I am not saying we shouldn't. This serves as a reminder that it's nearly impossible to know how our kids will turn out when they become independent and start their own lives some years later.
With that being said, here's a frame of mind to help you set the scene for your role as a dad.
I call it 🌅 See kids as sunset.
Time to work
Think about your most memorable sunset again.
Take a deep breath. Relax. Enjoy that sunset. You don't need to do anything with it. Just look at the sun go down. All the colors. All the feelings you have with it. It doesn't matter what other people think. This sunset is unique to you. You wouldn't want to change any of that even if you could. It is perfect already.
Now, think of your kid(s). See them just like this sunset. You sit back and look at your kid(s). Relax. Enjoy the moment. Whatever they are doing, it's like the changing colors in the sky. This sunset might mean nothing to others, but it means everything to you. You wouldn't change any of that even if you could.
An exercise for you
My problem was that I focused too much on what I wanted (good health for my kids, how they behave, what I want them to see, or not see, etc.). I forgot about the beauty of who they are.
That's why being a dad was so hard for me. I kept trying to do the impossible. I wanted to change the sunset.
Once I change the way I think about it, I'm free.
Now, to help visualize this, do this exercise for yourself: Pick a photo of a sunset you love. If you don't have such a photo yet, go watch a sunset. It shouldn't be that hard. You should have one chance per day.
Capture the moment. Send this photo to your wife, or if you don't mind, send it to my email francowong@proton.me. Write a short caption about how you feel or why this sunset is special to you.
You can do it!
Through this process, you solidify what a sunset means to you.
This sets the foundation for you to see your kids as your sunset. The next time you feel strongly to step into your kids' lives, take a moment to think about this sunset.
Is it necessary to say what you are about to say, do what you are about to do, or act in the way you are about to act? If yes, go ahead. If not, sit back and just let the sun go down. You will have another chance tomorrow.
What’s Next?
It's so great to have you here with me in this first lesson. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
In the next lesson, I’m going to talk about the next mistake I made: Trying to get involved in the kids' lives ALL THE TIME. And the fix? It is much easier than you might expect.
See you then.
Franco