Ignore your kids
Welcome back!
In the previous lesson, we talked about seeing your kids as sunset, a philosophical way to think of your kids.
In this lesson, let me convince you to ignore your kids.
Yes, you read this right. You should ignore your kids, and for good reasons.
By the end of this, you're going to learn 3 things:
- Understand the issues around modern parenting
- Evolutionary history of raising kids
- The way forward
What's wrong here?
I found myself feeling tired, frustrated, and depressed after trying to break up the 10th fight between my two kids during the day.
Being a parent is bad for my health, I once thought to myself. I completely understand why more people decide not to have kids at all. A few friends I know who are in their early 20s said they have already made up their minds. No kids.
Why and when did raising kids become such a daunting task? How did our ancestors make it through without the help of YouTube, iPad, Disney+, or any basic necessities we take for granted these days?
What's it like today?
Here are the things that my wife and I talk about regularly:
- Planning different lessons that fit our kids
- Comparing schools for them a couple of years down the road
- Going in and out of clinics and hospitals when they are sick
- Contemplating our approaches between intentionally giving them unstructured free time and imposing authoritarian control in the way they breathe, behave, and speak
Deep down, it's fear.
We have no idea how to be a good parent. We are afraid of ruining their future. Anxiety is piling up, and the world is getting more incomprehensible these days.
Most parents are stressed out without an easy fix.
What was it like in the past?
Let's take a quick detour to our shared past.
Our ancestors lived in the wild as hunter-gatherers. Life couldn't be more different than today.
Based on what scientists have discovered, for the past hundreds and thousands of years, our ancestors lived a communal life.
Adults lived together and shared parenting responsibilities in large groups. Older children were looking after the younger ones.
The men were hunting and exploring the land, and the women were preparing the food and managing work around the tribes while the men were out.
Kids ran wild in the woods and along the rivers, learning how to navigate the world. There was no school. They learned from their own mistakes with little supervision, and during the process, they built confidence and independence from a very young age.
This sounds scary and alien to us today, but it worked. That's why we are still here until these days.
So, what's the problem?
We now live in isolated homes with our kids. It wasn't the first time that I heard other parents viewing summertime as a nightmare. "We need to figure out how not to be trapped with the kids all day for 6 weeks!"
We have all sorts of educational toys and technology today. Yet, I found my kids the happiest when they are out running around in the parks and swimming in the sea.
We now live in cities where most kids don't have easy access to nature and space for physical activities without explicit permission from adults.
In general, kids in the modern age have way less autonomy because they need their parents' approval to do most things.
If we don't give enough opportunity for our kids to go out and explore the world, build their problem-solving skills, confidence, and self-identity independently, studies show that the long-term risk when they become adolescents will be higher stress, anxiety, and a diminished sense of self.
We couldn't protect them 24/7.
The fix
What if I tell you the fix is much easier than you might think?
It is simple.
Give yourself a break. Ignore your kids. Stop scheduling every second of your kid's time and keep worrying about them.
Here's an exercise for you:
Stop entertaining your kids - let them get bored and see what they can do with their creativity without guidance. Only step in when they hurt themselves. You will be amazed by how kids can play happily by themselves for a few hours.
Limit screen time - this might be harder for some, but just give it a try. I stopped letting up watch YouTube before sleep for about a year now and it doesn't bother them at all these days.
I bring them to do the things that I want to do, not the other way around. "I am going for a run, kids, come with me if you want." (We all have a great time.).
Schedule time to be with other parents and let the kids of different ages play together. Just like how it worked for our ancestors.
Give it a try.
Try it for one weekend. Ignore them intentionally, and let me know how it goes for you. I am curious about what you think of this approach.
Be a lazy parent who loves them in a smart way.